Evolution of a leader find your place and rise above

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and when the time comes, to let it go.
-Mary Oliver

Mat decided, when he got his third ward, that his type was the "broken leader". Someone who was strong, and a leader, but who had been... fractured, somehow. Losing a lover, learning things you never needed to know about a parent, having to do something that just tears you up inside because you don't want to, but you have to, or think you do.

Ironically, all things that had happened to him, at some point.

( And the heart holds many hands... )

Um... I know it's weird to talk to YOU about this instead of NATE, but, um... past couple of nights, I've been having... really bad dreams. Nothing major, just... my mom, mostly. It's nothing major, just... memories, from when she left and everything. Dreams I had around that time over and over, too.

Can't talk to Nate 'cause he's... he never talks about her. Gets weird and just sort of shuts off if I even mention her. So I don't

I dunno.

I don't know why I'm even bothering you, just... I haven't been sleeping too well. And I miss her. She was... I mean, she wasn't perfect, but she was my mom, and I love her. loved her. fuck, I don't even know if she's still alive, I just...

Whatever. Sorry to bother you. you don't have to respond or anything if you don't want to.

[Locked to Jack Harkness (462O1/J)]

Um...

Look, I know you, um, did some really bad things. Except it wasn't entirely you. It couldn't have been, 'cause... 'cause Jack wouldn't do those things. And then after that psychic thing went off, you saved Sam. I know it was you, Sam said so. So I guess...

I mean, it's not really exactly you who needs to apologise. To me, I mean. 'Cause it wasn't exactly you, so you aren't exactly entirely responsible for it, so... well, and even if you are, Sam's alive, even if he's not my ward anymore, so thank you for that.

And I guess I forgive you. Cause I'm not mad at you or anything and I don't hate you. Nate would probably tell me I'm stupid and of course I should hate you, 'cause of everything that happened after that, but I don't.

I just thought you might want to know. Even if it probably doesn't mean much.

So, um, I don't know the details yet, but

Um

I sorta have a date. Soon. I'll let you know when and stuff, I just wanted to, y'know. Give you a heads up. A-and ask if you minded, 'cause you'll probably have to be nearby.

[Locked to Fred]

Um, I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, I was

Things were just

There's been a lot of stuff I needed to think about. Y'know? Thank you, though. For... for everything.

I'll come visit you... when I get the chance.

Soon.

Be careful?


[Locked to Buffy]

Thanks for coming into the city the other day.

I know I'm a clingy incompetent annoyance, but... thanks. For... a lot of stuff. Rescuing me.

I'm sorry I'm not... whatever. Better. I keep trying and I keep falling on my ass and I'm sorry. I want to be fucking better and I can't, but I just...

I just wanted to say sorry.

That's all.

[Locked to Robin Rice]

I don't know... if you still blame me or not. For Natasha. But... I don't think you could've said no to her, either. You weren't there, and you didn't see... how scared she was, and how much pain she was in. And it hurts and I wish I hadn't done it but it's done and there was a death angel there so she didn't hurt at all. And I just...

I can deal with it. If you hate me. And... she didn't mean to hurt you.

I know she didn't. So... there.



[Locked to Sam Tyler]

I know you probably still think I'm a terrible person because of... when I killed Natasha. But I don't care any more. Or I'm trying not to. Because I'm so... tired of being in pain, and I'm tired of fucking hating myself and I don't want to do it anymore.

Just... so you know. I don't care.



[Locked to Natasha]

I know you're dead, but... I sort of have to say this.

I met someone today. She could've been you. Looked like you and sounded like you and even acted like you. Her name's Fred. Winifred.

I want to keep her safe. She's not like Sam or Buffy or Nate, she's not... the rescuer. She's the damsel.

Like you.

And I want... I want to be able to rescue her. But I can't rescue anybody if I'm so... broken. It sounds fucking cheesy, but I have to rescue myself before I can rescue anyone else. And... I haven't been able to.

Maybe because I've been hating myself too much. Because of you. And... sort of hating you, too. And this is so stupid, because you're dead, but... I have to say it, you know?

So, I hate you. But I hate me more, because you were just scared and hurting. And I've been just... falling apart. More than usual. And I think... I think telling Fred about what happened with you... it let something go.

Maybe I finally let you die. I don't know. But something feels not quite so heavy in my chest, and it's so good. I've felt so heavy and so...

It's not important. I just... I wanted to say goodbye. And I'm sorry.

I hate it here.

I mean, I'm SURROUNDED by demons (no offence, just freaked) and I'm ten miles away from my brother and I just

It's not even that Buffy's not cool or anything. She's really nice. And considerate about the whole... thing.

I want to be back in the kashtta. i don't KNOW anyone here and i want to be by nate and suzie and gene everyone i know and trust and i just can't be and

Calm.

Right.




...i miss you guys

DON'T LEAVE THE COMPLEX.

please.

Fuckfuckfuck.

I can't do this. Why do I think I can... everyone's so far away and my head is so EMPTY, there should be something there shouldn't there? I just can't think.

fuck.

gonna be in the corner with my pillow.

are you there?

(ooc: Posted during the day via Mat's laptop, thanks to a program Molly designed. Posted OOCly using LoudTwitter. All characters may respond here, or on Twitter, if they have one.)

• @sensidoctor ...'kay? Are you... I mean, d'you need to talk or anything? #
• @matwallace okay. :) #
• @sensidoctor okay :) (i totally replied to myself, what?) #

-Status update patch created and provided by Molly Ramsay.

(ooc: Posted during the day via Mat's laptop, thanks to a program Molly designed. Posted OOCly using LoudTwitter. All characters may respond here, or on Twitter, if they have one.)

• @sensidoctor you're a huge dork. coming from me, that's saying something. :) #
• @sensidoctor it's not an insult, Mr. Chine. Just an observation. #
• @sensidoctor you okay, JD? #

-Status update patch created and provided by Molly Ramsay.

Hey, so did you see JD's post?

Mattie can now be followed on his shiny new twitter!

Obviously this is not giong to actually be "Game Canon", because that just gets too confusing, but I thought it might be fun sometimes. :)

[The handwriting is sort of uneven, letters trailing off a little too long, like whoever's writing is... more than a little out of it.]

Um. The party. The dance for Christmas. Nate would

misses you

will he see you?

God, the levels of stress I'm dealing right now are fucking ridiculous. And I don't even know what's going on for the most part. It's just... everyone's stressed.

And it's not just that.

I don't know.

Something bad's gonna happen. Which sounds stupid, because bad shit's been happening this whole time, but... I just feel it. Something really bad.

Sorry.

I miss Rose.

I miss Brando.






i miss mom

Gene and I are going to find Sam, since he's been teleported out of the building. I'm on my way downstairs - if you're coming, get your ass down here.

SAM TYLER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, HOW DID YOU SUDDENLY END UP A COUPLE MILES AWAY FROM HERE, AND ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

If anyone has any clue what the FUCK is going on, being told would be appreciated.

Natasha's dead.

I'm... I'm sorry. To anyone who knew her. I'm sorry.

Fuck I didn't mean t

Rose is gone.

I mean... I guess you probably... y'know. Saw the note. They don't know what happened exactly, just...

Look, I know we're not exactly speaking 'cause we're both pissed at each other or something, but can we... not be fighting for a couple hours?

I need you.

.........

Dude, you are the most repressed person I've ever SEEN. That's including Gene, 'cause dude, he might be repressed, but he fucking KISSED you.






But if you need to talk or anything? Um. I know we're not, y'know... friends or anything. But I won't tell secrets and I won't judge.

Also... any info on Rose?