Evolution of a leader

[sunday_reveries] To Live In This World

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 02:01:51 GMT

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and when the time comes, to let it go.
-Mary Oliver

Mat decided, when he got his third ward, that his type was the "broken leader". Someone who was strong, and a leader, but who had been... fractured, somehow. Losing a lover, learning things you never needed to know about a parent, having to do something that just tears you up inside because you don't want to, but you have to, or think you do.

Ironically, all things that had happened to him, at some point.

And really, who'd've guessed that a ward could be someone you'd known for years, and only now was broken so deeply that they'd never be the same? It surprised him, when it happened, but he didn't tell her. She was in enough pain, physically and (mostly) emotionally, and she didn't need anything else to worry about. If she even understood the words...

So he didn't tell her, or anyone. He just looked after her as she slowly came back to herself. He got her a guitar on the suggestion of a friend, and he learned to play a bit so he could teach her. It helped bring her out, though she wasn't the same woman he remembered. She was quieter, less cock-sure, even as she picked up the pieces of herself and put them back together, and Mat wasn't entirely sure he knew how to handle her anymore. But he tried. He brought her soup and fresh fruit when she was feeling too unsettled to come out of her flat, and he went with her everywhere (or tagged along nearby) when she finally started going out. By the time she put herself back together, and got back to her business (which wasn't much, anymore, though she wouldn't usually admit to feeling a bit lost), she didn't even question why Mat was always there, always travelling with her, always staying in the same hotels and making all his plans around her and what she was doing and where she was going. They'd been close for years, especially since his second ward passed, and it wasn't as if he had anything better to be doing.

A year passed. Two. Miraculously, she managed to mostly stay out of trouble, and he managed to not panic when she didn't. A decade passed, and while they got into some interesting scrapes, it was nothing they couldn't handle, and there was no real need for him to tell her.

She didn't need protecting in the way that he knew she thought of as a Guardian's duty. She needed him for quieter things. Holding her at night when she couldn't sleep, bringing her things when she needed them, even if she hadn't asked, making sure she wasn't going to overdo it, making sure she wasn't going to hide in her room forever. She'd done that for him, once. Looked after him during a very difficult part of his life, in her own gruff and awkward way. And she'd looked after him in an equally gruff and significantly less awkward way when his second ward had died, all those years ago.

It was almost thirty years (time passes so quickly once you've passed 100 years old) before she decided that helping someone out would require a very dangerous operation, one that she normally wouldn't let Mat come on, and one he couldn't not come on.

"I have to come with you," he told her firmly. She raised an eyebrow, but didn't say no.

"All right," she said after a moment. It was too easy. She'd leave him behind, trick him into staying somehow.

"It's just--" he started, but she held her hand up to silence him, and he could see a wry smile playing about her lips.

All she said was, "I know," in that dry, bemused tone that was reserved just for him when he was being ridiculous. "You're not as subtle as you think you are, puppy." He wanted to ask how long she'd known, how she'd known, why she hadn't mentioned it. But it wasn't really important anymore, and he simply smiled back.

"I'll work on that," he said.

***

Three hundred years into their extremely odd relationship, she got herself a new ward. It was a strange sort of echo chamber for Mat, as he felt the echoes of the pain or pleasure that she felt from her ward. She told him point-blank that he was not to comment if he felt anything... interesting, and he kept his promise, even when he was practically knocked on his ass by the endorphins when she and her ward apparently... consummated their relationship.

And of course, the ward in question had to be a fairly well-known activist, and extremely hated in some circles. The three of them escaped death by little more than a hair more than once. And despite their best efforts, as so many revolutionaries are, her ward was killed young. The pain almost destroyed both of them, but she somehow kept her head long enough to bring a righteous vengeance down on the killers' heads that God's avenging armies would hardly be able to match. And then they cloistered themselves, and she wept, and he played her guitar so poorly (how long had it been since he'd learned the bare basics in order to begin teaching her so long ago?) that she finally snapped at him that he was going to burst her eardrums and started playing herself.

As it had the first time, it helped her gather the shattered pieces of herself and put them back in some semblance of order and self. It didn't change her the way the first time did - Mat thought that it made sense, really - but there were more curves to her personality, as she put herself back together, more give to her will.

"You used to be a mountain," he told her absently one night a couple years later, absently running his fingers through her dark hair.

"What am I now?" she murmured sleepily, curled against his chest.

"I'm not sure," he replied, and gave a bit of thought to this. "A canyon, I think. You can be eroded and eroded, but all it does is make you deeper."

She chuckled softly at that. "So an anti-mountain?"

"An inverted mountain, maybe," he said with a faint smile. "Go to sleep."

"Mmm," she responded. "Don't have to."

"Yes you do."

"Bully."

"Yes, I'm so cruel."

"Dictator."

"Take it up with the natural processes of your body."

"I just might."

***

The day before Mat turns 900, they spend the day wandering around the parks and museums in Chicago, talking about how different it is from the city they'd known as teenagers. They don't talk about 900, and the milestone it is (especially for angels like them), and the changes that are about to happen. They shout at some teenagers who nearly bowl them over, running down the sidewalk whooping and shouting and revelling in the unusually warm February day.

As they watch the lake with the sun to their backs, they finally stop avoiding the inevitable.

"I'm not cut out to be a leader," Mat says.

"You don't have to be," she replies. "Things have changed since we were kids."

"I know," he says, "but there still aren't many as old as us."

"Just hang in there for a few more years," she tells him, leaning against him and resting her head on his shoulder. "Then I'll be one, too, and you can just be my PA or something."

"And bring you coffee and keep your appointments and screen your calls?" he asks, smiling.

"Exactly," she says with a smirk. "I always needed a Pepper, anyway."

"You're a dork," he tells her.

"I learned from the best," she says with a laugh, as the sun dips below the horizon.

As the darkness grows around them, he wraps his arms around her, his wings around them both. "I don't know what I'll do when I don't have to look after you anymore," he whispers.

"You'll do the same thing you've done for centuries," she whispers back. "You don't need any stupid psychic bond to force you to do it."

He smiles a bit, and the knot of uncertainty in his chest starts to loosen and untangle. She's right, and he knows it, and as always, her brusque straight-forward declaration eases his mind.

They sit there, in the cold, until they hear the city bells chime midnight.

[Locked to Gene]

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:10:00 GMT

Um... I know it's weird to talk to YOU about this instead of NATE, but, um... past couple of nights, I've been having... really bad dreams. Nothing major, just... my mom, mostly. It's nothing major, just... memories, from when she left and everything. Dreams I had around that time over and over, too.

Can't talk to Nate 'cause he's... he never talks about her. Gets weird and just sort of shuts off if I even mention her. So I don't

I dunno.

I don't know why I'm even bothering you, just... I haven't been sleeping too well. And I miss her. She was... I mean, she wasn't perfect, but she was my mom, and I love her. loved her. fuck, I don't even know if she's still alive, I just...

Whatever. Sorry to bother you. you don't have to respond or anything if you don't want to.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:26:21 GMT

[Locked to ~~Jack Harkness~~ (462O1/J)]

Um...

Look, I know you, um, did some really bad things. Except it wasn't entirely you. It couldn't have been, 'cause... 'cause Jack wouldn't do those things. And then after that psychic thing went off, you saved Sam. I know it was you, Sam said so. So I guess...

I mean, it's not really exactly you who needs to apologise. To me, I mean. 'Cause it wasn't exactly you, so you aren't exactly entirely responsible for it, so... well, and even if you are, Sam's alive, even if he's not my ward anymore, so thank you for that.

And I guess I forgive you. Cause I'm not mad at you or anything and I don't hate you. Nate would probably tell me I'm stupid and of course I should hate you, 'cause of everything that happened after that, but I don't.

I just thought you might want to know. Even if it probably doesn't mean much.

[Locked to Buffy]

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 06:20:52 GMT

So, um, I don't know the details yet, but

Um

I sorta have a date. Soon. I'll let you know when and stuff, I just wanted to, y'know. Give you a heads up. A-and ask if you minded, 'cause you'll probably have to be nearby.

Multiple Locks

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 06:23:53 GMT

[Locked to Fred]

Um, I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier, I was

Things were just

There's been a lot of stuff I needed to think about. Y'know? Thank you, though. For... for everything.

I'll come visit you... when I get the chance.

Soon.

Be careful?

[Locked to Buffy]

Thanks for coming into the city the other day.

I know I'm a clingy incompetent annoyance, but... thanks. For... a lot of stuff. Rescuing me.

I'm sorry I'm not... whatever. Better. I keep trying and I keep falling on my ass and I'm sorry. I want to be fucking better and I can't, but I just...

I just wanted to say sorry.

That's all.

[Multiple Locks]

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 08:16:51 GMT

[Locked to Robin Rice]

I don't know... if you still blame me or not. For Natasha. But... I don't think you could've said no to her, either. You weren't there, and you didn't see... how scared she was, and how much pain she was in. And it hurts and I wish I hadn't done it but it's done and there was a death angel there so she didn't hurt at all. And I just...

I can deal with it. If you hate me. And... she didn't mean to hurt you.

I know she didn't. So... there.

[Locked to Sam Tyler]

I know you probably still think I'm a terrible person because of... when I killed Natasha. But I don't care any more. Or I'm trying not to. Because I'm so... tired of being in pain, and I'm tired of fucking hating myself and I don't want to do it anymore.

Just... so you know. I don't care.

[Locked to Natasha]

I know you're dead, but... I sort of have to say this.

I met someone today. She could've been you. Looked like you and sounded like you and even acted like you. Her name's Fred. Winifred.

I want to keep her safe. She's not like Sam or Buffy or Nate, she's not... the rescuer. She's the damsel.

Like you.

And I want... I want to be able to rescue her. But I can't rescue anybody if I'm so... broken. It sounds fucking cheesy, but I have to rescue myself before I can rescue anyone else. And... I haven't been able to.

Maybe because I've been hating myself too much. Because of you. And... sort of hating you, too. And this is so stupid, because you're dead, but... I have to say it, you know?

So, I hate you. But I hate me more, because you were just scared and hurting. And I've been just... falling apart. More than usual. And I think... I think telling Fred about what happened with you... it let something go.

Maybe I finally let you die. I don't know. But something feels not quite so heavy in my chest, and it's so good. I've felt so heavy and so...

It's not important. I just... I wanted to say goodbye. And I'm sorry.

[Locked to friends (yes, Robin, you too); Locked against Buffy]

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 06:17:24 GMT

I hate it here.

I mean, I'm SURROUNDED by demons (no offence, just freaked) and I'm ten miles away from my brother and I just

It's not even that Buffy's not cool or anything. She's really nice. And considerate about the whole... thing.

I want to be back in the kashtta. i don't KNOW anyone here and i want to be by nate and suzie and gene everyone i know and trust and i just can't be and

Calm.

Right.

...i miss you guys

[Locked to Buffy]

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 06:14:27 GMT

DON'T LEAVE THE COMPLEX.

please.

[Locked to Grace]

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 22:37:49 GMT

Fuckfuckfuck.

I can't do this. Why do I think I can... everyone's so far away and my head is so EMPTY, there should be something there shouldn't there? I just can't think.

fuck.

gonna be in the corner with my pillow.

are you there?

[Public] today's updates

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 09:44:52 GMT

(ooc: Posted during the day via Mat's laptop, thanks to a program Molly designed. Posted OOCly using LoudTwitter. All characters may respond here, or on Twitter, if they have one.)

@sensidoctor ...'kay? Are you... I mean, d'you need to talk or anything? #
@matwallace okay. :) #
@sensidoctor okay :) (i totally replied to myself, what?) #

-Status update patch created and provided by Molly Ramsay.

[Locked to Nate]

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 10:30:13 GMT

Hey, so did you see JD's post?

[Public] today's updates

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 09:56:06 GMT

(ooc: Posted during the day via Mat's laptop, thanks to a program Molly designed. Posted OOCly using LoudTwitter. All characters may respond here, or on Twitter, if they have one.)

@sensidoctor you're a huge dork. coming from me, that's saying something. :) #
@sensidoctor it's not an insult, Mr. Chine. Just an observation. #
@sensidoctor you okay, JD? #

-Status update patch created and provided by Molly Ramsay.

OOC: Twitter

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 11:06:33 GMT

Mattie can now be followed on his shiny new twitter!

Obviously this is not giong to actually be "Game Canon", because that just gets too confusing, but I thought it might be fun sometimes. :)

[Locked to JD]

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 05:29:06 GMT

[The handwriting is sort of uneven, letters trailing off a little too long, like whoever's writing is... more than a little out of it.]

Um. The party. The dance for Christmas. Nate would

misses you

will he see you?

[Locked against demons, Hart, and Thane. ...and Nate]

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:23:57 GMT

God, the levels of stress I'm dealing right now are fucking ridiculous. And I don't even know what's going on for the most part. It's just... everyone's stressed.

And it's not just that.

I don't know.

Something bad's gonna happen. Which sounds stupid, because bad shit's been happening this whole time, but... I just feel it. Something really bad.

Sorry.

I miss Rose.

I miss Brando.

i miss mom

[Locked to Nate]

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:32:41 GMT

Gene and I are going to find Sam, since he's been teleported out of the building. I'm on my way downstairs - if you're coming, get your ass down here.

[Public]

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 22:29:59 GMT

SAM TYLER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, HOW DID YOU SUDDENLY END UP A COUPLE MILES AWAY FROM HERE, AND ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

If anyone has any clue what the FUCK is going on, being told would be appreciated.

[Locked to friends of Natasha, as of 1am Saturday]

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 20:30:57 GMT

Natasha's dead.

I'm... I'm sorry. To anyone who knew her. I'm sorry.

~~Fuck I didn't mean t~~

[locked to Nate]

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 21:53:48 GMT

Rose is gone.

I mean... I guess you probably... y'know. Saw the note. They don't know what happened exactly, just...

Look, I know we're not exactly speaking 'cause we're both pissed at each other or something, but can we... not be fighting for a couple hours?

I need you.

[locked to Sam]

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:09:27 GMT

.........

Dude, you are the most repressed person I've ever SEEN. That's including Gene, 'cause dude, he might be repressed, but he fucking KISSED you.

But if you need to talk or anything? Um. I know we're not, y'know... friends or anything. But I won't tell secrets and I won't judge.

Also... any info on Rose?

[locked to Nate]

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 09:13:55 GMT

Hey, um...

I don't know if you've

Have you heard from

Rose is missing. All her stuff's still in our room. Even her journal.

You haven't seen her, have you?

[locked to Rose]

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 03:16:05 GMT

Rosie, Torchwood's shipping out since apparently Romana went apeshit or some shit.

Fuck.

Sam says I don't have to go, but I'm not exactly her favorite person ANYWAY, and I really want to try to be SOME use as a Guardian, so... I'm going with him.

I don't know if you should come or not... if you're not in the room, I'm packing really quickly in about ten seconds.

If you're in the room... I'll just tell you this when I get there and you can ignore this post.

Love you.

[locked to Sam]

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:38:56 GMT

Look, I know I'm... not your favorite person in the world or anything. And I know you've got a lot of shit to worry about right now. But, um... do you think we could talk?

~~Things~~

~~My brother and I~~

I need someone to talk to, and I don't want to worry Rose right now.

[Locked to Rose and Nate]

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 03:07:18 GMT

um... is't not fun to be guardian to a walking lie detecccotr.

dopeed up in sam's room. will be back... laater.

[Locked to Nate]

Sat, 31 May 2008 17:45:17 GMT

Couple of things:

1) in a few hours, could you go to my room and check on Rose? She's having... I'm not sure, but she's feeling like shit, so.

2) I've got a... well, Sam's being used as a lie detector in some plan to catch the guy who murdered Florence Vassey. Safe, 'cause we're just going to be in a conference room, but it's going to be oh so fun for me. But... when it's done, can we just... hang? I miss you.

Love you, bro.